Long waiting times at the doctors' give me time to think

And I've been wondering why these days I just generally demotivated and low. It isn't something that I can explain and some days I'll just wake up feeling low and not be able to answer why. Sometimes I manage to get myself out of it, but sometimes I don't and I just trudge through the day and make it alive into the night, hoping the sunset changes things.

Again, sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't.

I would very much like to say that the weather and the physical and emotional aches that accompany me contribute to this, but I had the sense it is something more than that.

Yesterday was Saturday, a day I used to look forward to. As an undergrad, one of activity and town, gallivanting around and enjoying what I could with the limited disposable income. When I started work, it became a day where I had to myself, doing things that I liked, and not having to work.

Then again, I pretty much work everyday.

That being said, I had a hard time the past few weekends, unwilling to head for the activities that I should have been at and went anyway in the end. Each day has become a monotony, and as John Eldredge puts it, I very much need an adventure. Yet adventures are pointless if I go alone.

I find myself very much caught between a rock and a hard place, and desperately need something to look forward to. It's high time I created something like that for myself.

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Many years ago i started blogging. It was a way of me communicating with the rest of the world, sharing honest thoughts that i was willing to spread around. It started as cathartic release, honestly, to remove my sadness, my deep thoughts. In time i realized it helped to formulate thoughts into coherence and opened up realizations that occurred to me as i typed out thoughts that i wanted to formulate. In the articulation, counterarguments and so on would pop up and usually at the end of the post i would be left with the defining question, and sometimes even the answer.

To my surprise, people started reading it and spreading my blog around.  Apparently it got people thinking to a good depth (and no further, because it is possible to be reading too much into something) and others wanted to share it. It goes without saying that as my blogposts are inspired by things that i see, hear and do, that my personal life came seeping into it as well.

Eventually other mediums of internet communication turned up - i moved to different "social networking" sites, though admittedly "social networking" isn't exactly what they are used for.

Now, there is a desire for silence, to be known, and yet to be invisible.  Kinda like a celebrity status, but different in the sense that i do want people to know me for who i am, in person and so on.  There is thus a want to blog, a need to share, but yet a resistance to do so here, coupled with the fact that doctors suggest corrective surgery for my wrist, which kinda makes it sound worse than i thought it was, than i would like to believe it is, and than it really is.  Typing's a pain (literally) and i have been avoiding updating and extensive posts for some time, as well as many personal emails that i would like to send but are all half-complete in my drafts box.  It has become so much easier to simply pick up the phone and call someone, which is hardly done anyway because of time constraints and differences.

There is a want to be connected, and there still is, but slowly i find myself withdrawing from it. Perhaps, i tell myself, it is prudent to hide certain things, of things i do, see and feel, that they may be precious. Maybe no more than snippets of thoughts are required to spread thoughts, though at some point discourse is needed. 

And i have the feeling, that as much as i want to disappear, i cannot. As much as i want stability, i also want the feeling of the adrenaline rush as things speed past me, and threaten to fly out of control.


And i have a peeve with that word.

We may not realize but i think everyone (with no exception, not even myself) thinks of things as conditional, even in love. Yes, i can choose to love someone, and stick by my choice for a lifetime - but there's always a reciprocation required. Forget about the shows that you see on TV where the guy just keeps chasing and chasing and wooing and wooing and caring and caring and the girl can just sit back and enjoy that while the guy gets nothing in return. Similarly, forget about the girl in the movies who is willing to do anything, to give up everything, while you just squander away what she's done and give her no recognition.

In fact, we often watch these movies and think "what an idiot". I know i do, but i think subconsciously i do behave the same way as well.

Guys - do not expect your girl (or a hopeful candidate) to support you unconditionally while you do as you wish. If she loves you she will put up with you, but there is a breaking point. Do not expect your wives to endure your sloppiness or the girl you're chasing to simply put up with your bad habits.  You can expect that she will be around for you, but not at your beck and call and not every moment of the day.  She's your wife/girlfriend/fiancee, not a rag doll or trophy that you carry around as you wish. Love her, or she's going to feel used - oh did that word just strike a chord in you? I think you would know how that feels.

Girls - do not expect your guy (or a hopeful candidate) to always give in to you.  In fact, no wise guy would: there are things that the line just has to be drawn (unless you're also rather wise and make good decisions on your own, in which it's not 'giving in' but more of a mutual agreement). Do not expect your husbands to understand everything you do, or the guy you wish to be with to chase you endlessly without any form of encouragement on your part to spur him on: there is no such thing.  You can expect them to chase you, pursue you, romance you, but without reciprocating he's going to feel unappreciated - gee does that word sound familiar? I bet you've experienced that before.

There is such a thing as eternal love, and there is a lasting love among humans, man and woman.  But even as the wedding vows state to have and hold each other in sickness and in health and so on, there is much that also goes on for the other party to do so.

Guys, take up the slack, and don't let the girl down because you didn't take that step.
Girls, spur him on, and don't make him feel useless because you didn't let him know you saw his efforts.

And both, respond and communicate to each other in kind.


How To Love?

My wrist hurts like crazy, and i actually typed out this post and it got lost in the process, and i thought i would let it go because i was already cooled down from it, but said person had to go and incite everything all over again. What makes it worse is that this person is in my church, in my CG.  Well done.

I struggle with loving people a lot. I do. I love my God, but some people make it rather difficult for me to love them, and i find that affecting the way i love my God because i don't want to help these people or serve these people.  For once, it doesn't help knowing that i'm probably just as bad as them in God's eyes, and instead that same thought is making me think that i have just that reason to be angry and not love them anyway. I'm flawed, after all, so i have a legitimate reason to be angry, no?  But i digress - my question and struggle is: how do i love these people? 

How do i love someone who jumps at every word i say, and turns it into a personal attack against himself? Where no matter what you say he thinks you're in the wrong, and refuses to acknowledge that you don't mean anything else? Certain phrases/words have double meanings and that's the importance of linguistics and language (starlala if you're reading this you should be smiling that an engineer is acknowledging it haha) and context and nuances!

How do i love someone who refuses to admit that there can be more than one co-existing point of view, and insists that his or her idealistic, narcissistic point of view is right? I will admit that some things i believe in are truth, and some truths are absolute, but even then i don't force it down someone else's throat - the best i can do is express it, and it's really up to the other to want to believe it or not.  What less things that there are multiple perspectives on, and many coherent views can take place without conflict! There are BILLIONS of people in the world, why must everyone else's view be weird and yours be the only one that is supposed to make sense.

How do i love someone who insists that i provide solid concrete real-life evidence for every point i make and nitpicks on every word i say. Firstly , absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Not even in a court of law (ave: feel free to correct me if i'm wrong though, but that's what i understand of it). And secondly, how am i supposed to present a person whom you and i both know who shares every view that i say is possible? Just because you (and sometimes i) don't believe in a view, doesn't mean there aren't other people out there who believe in it - whether it's right or wrong is inconsequential because people can be wrong and thus can hold a wrong view. My point is that there is such a view in such people. "Tell me who la" is not a valid line of defense.  Some views are very sad if a person holds it, but there are very sad people in this world living their very sad lives.  Must you know all the billions of people before you reach a conclusion?

How do i love someone who jumps to conclusions and twists everything to sound the way he wants it to? For the last time i am not after your ex-girlfriend. I am not after anyone you know. LEAVE ME ALONE and stop hounding me because i don't think your ex-girlfriend appreciate you hounding her friends either, even though there's nothing between us.  Stop pushing me into a corner and using the excuse "c'mon let's talk about how you're doing" to get me aside and start interrogating me.  The last time that happened, it got violent and although the violent wasn't initiated by me i remain unscathed and i think you should know that before you try anything funny because you're pretty aggressive and violent and are likely to try something anyway. Your loss.

How do i love someone who disagrees for the sake of disagreeing to sound profound? Just because you're saying something different, doesn't mean it's not stupid. Yes, it's not always stupid, and yes you can have a different view. But couple this with your attitude that no one else should have a view aside from yours (see above, in case your two brain cells have already forgotten) and it's bloody annoying.  Even more so when you argue and try to make it sound like it's common sense - "why don't you all agree? can't you all see?" Again, some things i think we're all entitled to have our own views on, and neither is wrong so you can believe your view and i'll hold on to mine, and it's these kinda things that you are harping on.  Not everything is as simple as you think it is, and speaking in the worst case of Singlish possible for the purpose of making it sound profound isn't working either.  If you don't have anything good to say, zip it.

How do i love someone like that, knowing that in God's eyes i'm probably about the same, for we all fall short of His glory.  It's like what Ghandi said, "I have no problem with your Christ - but i have a problem with your Christians."  How do i love someone like that, knowing that i'm just as bad as him, that Jesus bled and died for me and loved me anyway, and that effectively i was the one who crucified Him?

How does one love with such depth, such abandon, such sacrifice, to another that is so unlovely.  Minnie Riperton was more right than she thought when she sang "loving you, is easy 'coz you're beautiful".

And now my wrist hurts again.  But i need to get this out and this is the only place i can let it out, so to hell with my wrist because if i don't, something worse will probably happen.  I seriously don't know why i bother with you, and i don't want to anymore.

I love my God, but i have a problem with His people....and i am one of them.



Pearls Before Swine by Stephen Pastis

Wrist isn't better by much, so here's a comic to keep you guys entertained (which is by far more entertaining than my posts anyway haha) and to let you know that i'm still alive. :)


So precious, yet so easily fractured into bits.

You try, but sometimes it's just so hard to keep smiling. Sometimes it feels like you're the only one not trying, other times you know you're not the only one but you still find it so hard to plant that smile on your lips.

Maybe it's just because you don't see anything to look forward to.

Maybe it's because so many things are on your mind that your expression is that not of sadness but intense thought.

Maybe it's because you don't like situations you're in.

But what counts, is that in the midst of it all, you keep trying, no matter how fragile it is.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


Tea Time Thoughts #7: Making Choices

I spoke previously about why we sometimes have choices - today I want to share what I feel is my preferred way of making choices.

Here I have to quantify that this applies to situations that you won't compromise your standing or beliefs if you choose either way. Such decisions can be small, in which case you'll probably use common sense to decide but sometimes these decisions can be quite big and you definitely don't want to screw up. I'm sure we all know of so many such decisions, so here goes:

1) Use your common sense. Sad to say, common sense these days is so rare it's a superpower already. If I'm really hungry and have a choice of food, health conscious as I may be, I'm not going to scrimp and eat a mini salad - order me a large pizza with extra cheese instead! Some things just make more sense to so than others.

2) Seek counsel. This is also another one that sounds very duhhhhh. But it's surprisingly how many times I've heard people tell me "if only I'd had asked for advice first" (not necessarily mine), and are suffering the consequences of an unwise decision. Find someone you trust, who knows you well enough, and preferably wiser (note I didn't say "older") than yourself. I particularly value the friends who are close enough to me and open enough to me to yell at me when I'm being an ass.

3) Pray. Oh c'mon you guys knew that was coming. :D I don't think God throws us these decisions and expects us to try and work things out totally if we don't seem to be able to do so. In fact my own experience often has been that He has used the decision making and process of seeking His counsel to understand Him better. That being said, it's my own experience and not a doctrinal thing, but I wouldn't rule it out. ;)

4) Think. Some times we really can work it out on our own, with brains. Sometimes there's a reason behind the decision being thrown at you and sometimes one just needs to work a little brain matter to get things sorted out.

5) Last but no least - just wing it. If everything above seems to not be working and you have to make choice, just make the best one possible (or whichever one you think is best at that point of time). I don't think God is going to blame you for making what you thought was the wisest decision IF you've already tried everything above.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


Tea Time Thoughts #6: Why do we have choices?

Well I'm not going to debate on the fact that sometimes we do and sometimes we don't, but the question here really is when we do have to make choices, why do we have them?

I think some might say that the choices are actually all predestined, that God already knows what you're going to choose and so on, so it isn't really a choice. Then the question becomes "why was it there in the first place?"

I think we can all agree that if life had no choices, especially the harder ones, then things would be a lot easier. There would be no need to think about which school to go to, what course to take, which person to get together with (for those who actually have a choice in that matter), which job to accept/look for. Life would be a lot easier of at every junction God was there and He'd be pointing a finger in the right direction and saying "go this way", and I reckon there'd also be a lot less sin, given that sin is sometimes a conscious (or otherwise) choice to go against what He instructed us to do. So why have choices at all?

I was led to look at Genesis and the first choice given to Adam. (Non-followers of the Bible please bear with me.) I think the first choice occurred far before the eating of fruit incident. It occurred even before Eve came along. Adam was given a job when we was created and in that job he was given the ability to make decisions on his own.

In other words, he had a choice.

I have the feeling (though the Bible doesn't explicitly state so) that God didn't vet whatever Adam decided to name the animals. I think God just left him to do his job, maybe standing and smiling beside him as he named each one, but never saying anything uch as "are you sure you really want to name this long nosed creature an 'elephant'?"

Similarly, Adam and Eve were given a choice with the fruit and this time we will ask "why didn't God stop them from eating it?"

My thoughts on this? Two strike me in particular:

1) Giving us a choice is God's way of saying "you're old enough to cross the street by yourself - you don't need me to hold your hand, so cross!" and He says it with a smile. In other words, I think He gives us a choice because it's His way of saying that we can make our own decisions, which is totally different from saying that we should do things without His guidance. As a child, my parents letting me cross the street by myself was a HUGE thing. In the same way, how my dad let me drive on my own without supervision the day right after I got my license spoke of how much he believed in me, how much he trusted me. In the same way, I feel that God gives us decisions because He trusts us to make them for ourselves and He believes in us.

2) Obviously choices are not without consequences, and the second thought that comes to me is that if God trusts us with choices and decisions, He also gives us the ability to make a bad decision, and therefore He also expects that we will bear the consequences of our choice, particularly when we make unwise or ungodly ones.

Now don't get me wrong - I don't think that God is so evil as to let us make wrong decisions and then go "haha you made the wrong choice - now you suffer!" It's not like a game show or even a video game, where if you do something wrong you die and it's GAME OVER. He will also see us through and sometimes He lightens the consequences for us because He loves us, though we also have to and should learn the lesson. (People like me have to learn it the hard way :D) Sometimes we don't have to hearths consequences at all, and worse still someone suffers because of what we do and often we don't know and might not even care if others are suffering from what we did.

We also sometimes find ourselves in a choice, not knowing what to do..why does God put us in that kind of situation?

I'll leave that for the next tea time :)

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Tea Time Thoughts #5: The value of friends.

I had lunch with friends today - not a common occurrence due to the fact that my lunch is usually squarely between others' lunch and tea break time.  The good part of this is that i get to justify a longer-than-one-hour lunch break, because by the time i finish with my lunch, people are coming out for their tea breaks and no one is going to complain if i decide to camp with a cup of coffee someplace else for another half hour or so - and then the thoughts will flow and i get to blog them all out. =)

I made the exception today, because these two friends are the pair that the guy asked me for help in his proposing to his then-girlfriend-now-fiancee, and they wanted to speak with me.  I'm not in the position to disclose what it is they said, and what it is they told me and talked with me about, but in the middle of it and definitely toward the end, i was feeling very grateful that they were bothering such things.  It reminded me what real friendship was about.


A friend takes out the trash for you because you're too lazy.
A real friend throws the trash at you for being lazy.

A friend takes the brunt of the blame for you when you do something wrong.
A real friend lets you take your share of the blame, takes his own share of the blame, and then supports you through it.

A friend carries you through tough times.
A real friend walks with you through the tough times you have, then goes back to where he was and walks through his own tough times. All over again.

A friend says things you want to hear, but tells you that they are such.
A real friend tells you what you don't necessarily want to hear, but what you need to hear so that you can reach your potential.

A friend will always be in contact for you.
A real friend will always be in contact for you, but won't always have to say something back.

A friend will cry with you when you're crying.
A real friend will cry for you when you're not crying for yourself.

A friend knows what you want and gets it for you.
A real friend knows what you want and points the way for you to get it yourself if you can, and leads you if you can't.

A friend stands ahead and leads you on your way
A real friend meets you where you are, and then does the walk through all over again, with you.


In my remembering, i'm deeply appreciative of what this pair of friends, real friends, have offered to do for me, regardless of whether their plans come to fruition or not. :) Truly, i've been blessed with great friends such as these!